I don’t know what it is. I don’t understand the logic. Quite frankly, the underlying stubborn streak of it all, annoys me. But there is something in me that really rails against anything along the lines of What You Should Feel. Because what if I don’t want to feel that way? Hmm, WHAT THEN? Maybe you shouldn’t tell me how I should feel or what I should think about the matter. Maybe what I am feeling is on the entirely opposite end of the spectrum. Maybe I really am just dead inside and I’m feeling nothing at all! Or maybe I just need a minute to get to that feeling. I take a while to organize my thoughts into any kind of semblance of something that would create a reaction or feeling…and all that. I think, at the heart of it all though, I get all riled up because those feelings that I don’t want to be expected to feel? I feel them. So, very, deeply.
So when we were approaching that One Year Mark. You know, the One Year Anniversary. The one that is apparently a Very! Big! Deal! I felt annoyed. I’m a rebel. What can I say? But yes, I felt annoyed. I tried to convince myself that the hype was all just romantic fluff and nonsense. A year is nothing! A year is no sort of accomplishment in the grande scheme of Married Life. A year marks twelve measly little months. You show me TWENTY years and then we’ll talk about A Big Deal.
And then I realized that my thoughts were taking on a bitter note. And I made myself stop and attempt to figure out why. Why did I want to think that a year was not what everyone said it was? A year was not really that long at all! A year couldn’t possibly be worth celebrating. And then I realized…I didn’t want a year to be a big deal. My frustration toward the romantic fluff was nothing more than a pitiful wall of defense that I’d built around myself. For the very reason that it is a big deal. I didn’t want to approach this date, September 27, a full year after I committed my life to my best friend, because every single feeling that that evoked included tremendous amounts of failure, in my eyes, when all I wanted to feel was celebration! We’ve had a year. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. Almost all of them spent together. And I’ve failed. I’ve failed as a wife. I’ve failed to give my husband what he needs as a man. Every single one of those minutes that perilously ticked by? I failed him.
I realized that every single part of my perspective regarding this looming anniversary was drooping with the weight of defeat.
The day that this realization clicked in to place, I made it home from work and half way into our yoga workout before I crumpled into a pile of sweaty tears. One minute, I was in a deep, awkward lunge attempting to “clear my mind” and the next thing I know, a rush of anger – anger so intense that I scared myself that it could be directed at our anniversary…our marriage – dropped me to my knees. And all I could do was cry. And Dorian dropped down right beside me and reassured me, like the incredibly patient, selfless man that he is, that I do not have to worry. And that we will get through this. And that the success of our marriage is not based on the success of our physical intimacy. He held me and let me cry and then he wiped my tears. And he reminded me, in that moment, of the 18 frillion (and counting) reasons I married him.
And in the few weeks since then, God has used Dorian – his words, his actions, his wisdom, his patience, his strength – to remind me that there IS a plan in this. That plan has nothing to do with my understanding or my will or my timing. The situation that we are is in God’s hands. And rather than focus on all the things about it that frustrate me and confuse me and leave me feeling very lost…I can realize that there are so many blessings that have come out of this. Dorian and I have learned levels of communication that I don’t know that we would have otherwise…we certainly wouldn’t have been able to learn them in only one year of marriage. We’ve also learned levels of vulnerability with each other that have opened up the door to a deeper emotional intimacy than I would have ever expected. Dorian has seen every side of me, this past year. And I do mean, every side. The good, the bad, the ugly. I’ve experienced moments of weakness with him that I would have been humiliated to share with anyone else. And somehow, I look into his eyes and see more love than I did even on our wedding day.
Through all of this, rather than being upset and requiring something of me that I couldn’t give, he’s been patient and understanding and incredibly selfless. He has truly been a mirror image of God’s love. A comfort and strength in the midst of the storm. When I blamed God, he gently reminded me that the Lord will not give us anything more than we can handle. He reminded me that God’s plan is far better than mine. He reminded me that prayers begging God to just “make it better” cannot be fulfilled without faithful perseverance and belief that He will heal…even if it’s not how I think He should.
Over the past few weeks, Dorian Eugene has led me back to a place in my faith that I am embarrassed to admit I’d blocked my heart from because of my bitterness. I am so thankful for that man. And now I can honestly say that I am thankful…truly, very thankful…for this struggle that we’ve had this year. It has shown me things about Dorian and brought us to a place in our marriage that we might not have seen otherwise. And I can now say that I am approaching our anniversary with a heart FULL of celebration. God has given me such an incredible gift in Dorian. I do not deserve him. But I am so, so glad to be able to spend every day, for as long as we both shall live, with him.